Lately, Iāve noticed something that I didnāt expect. Iāmā¦ happy. Deeply, steadily happyāin my relationship, in myself, in this life Iāve worked so hard to build for years now.
And yetā¦ something in me still struggles to sit with that happiness for too long. š
Does that resonate with you?
Iāve spent years in therapy. Iāve worked through wounds, untangled toxic patterns, learned how to communicate, how to choose love over fear, and how to be in a healthy, respectful partnership. And now that Iām here, living what I once only hoped forā¦ it’s surprisingly…uncomfortable sometimes. š
I come from a home where conflict was normal, emotions ran high, and peace felt foreign. Maybe you can relate. Maybe you also know what itās like to be in a stable relationshipāand still feel like somethingās missing when thereās no drama.
It took me a while to realize: I wasnāt bored or unfulfilled. I was self-sabotaging.
So, I want to gently share some signs Iāve noticed in myself; little ways I try to stir the pot when things are calm and too good to be true, and what Iāve learned to do instead.
š Subtle Signs You Might Be Sabotaging:
1. Bringing up old stuff āout of nowhere” š
Youāre having a peaceful week, then suddenly youāre reminded of something your partner did years ago, and you feel the urge to bring it up with fire. You doā¦ and immediately regret it. You realize it wasnāt that big of a dealāso why did it feel so urgent to say it?
š” Clue: Itās not about the issue. Itās about trying to recreate the emotional chaos that feels familiarāeven if it doesnāt serve you anymore.
2. Overreacting to small things š
A minor habit that usually wouldnāt bother you suddenly really irritates you. You snap, feel bad, then wonder why you felt so reactive.
š” Clue: If everything else is good (your hormones, your stress levels), this might be your system trying to stir up tension, because calm doesnāt feel āsafeā yet.
3. Craving attentionā¦ even if itās negative š„
Youāre getting love and affection, but you still feel like provoking a reaction. You want your partner to notice youābut maybe youāre picking a fight to get there.
š” Clue: This often stems from not knowing how to receive healthy, non-chaotic love. And thatās okay. Itās something you can gently work on.
šæ What To Do Instead
1. Name it š£ļø
Just saying to yourself, āHey, I think Iām trying to sabotage right now,ā can shift everything. Awareness gives you so much power.
2. Sit with the feeling šŖ
It might feel like restlessness, fear, or discomfort. Donāt judge it, just feel it. Youāve spent so long in survival mode. Peace is going to feel strange at first.
3. Talk to your partner š©āā¤ļøāšØ
You donāt need to hide this. You can tell them, āSometimes I get scared when things areĀ tooĀ good, and I notice myself trying to create conflict where there isnāt any.ā Vulnerability like this builds intimacy. Youāre not weak for feeling thisāyouāre wise for naming it. Your partner might also feel more prepared in case you do start to sabotage.
4. Talk to someone you trust šÆ
A therapist, a real and honest friend, someone who knows your growth journey and who can lovingly hold you accountable and remind you of how far youāve come.
I know itās hard to believe you deserve happiness when youāve lived in survival for so long. But you do. And the calm youāre feeling now? You created that. Through your healing, your growth, your hard conversations, your boundaries, your choosing loveāagain and again.
So donāt run from it.
Breathe it in. Let it feel unfamiliar. And then let it feel safe. šŗ
Youāre allowed to feel good. Youāre allowed to feel secure. Youāre allowed toĀ haveĀ the love you used to dream about.
And you donāt have to sabotage it to prove that youāre still worthy.ā¤ļø