Things change after having a baby. Like, really change. 🍃
Suddenly, how much attention you get from your husband shifts. How much attention you give him shifts too. The time you used to have for dates, for sex, or even just for “me” or “us” time disappears. Life as you knew it flips completely upside down. And if it’s your first baby, it can feel like your whole world has been turned upside down.
And that shift? It can be hard — not just emotionally and physically, but on your relationship too.
The space that starts to grow⏳
This change can bring on resentment, sometimes quietly, sometimes not. Maybe it starts with feeling a little distance between you. Maybe it starts with snapping at each other. Either way, that space grows.
I felt this too, especially in the first few months after my son was born.
We had just moved to a new country, and I didn’t know anyone. My husband was going to work, so he had this whole life outside the house — and I was home, living on little to no sleep, nursing non-stop, changing diapers, trying to stay afloat.
I felt like his life hadn’t changed so much. While mine had flipped completely.
I would get so resentful when he’d get a full night’s sleep and I would be so tired. Or when he’d go out for lunch with his team and come home with stories meanwhile I hadn’t yet showered or eaten a meal with two hands. I didn’t think of him and his happiness. I could only think of what I was going through and how easy things were for him and this research that was building up inside of me made the distance between us grow even more than it naturally does after having a child.
I remember that sometimes I’d tell him I wanted to spend more time together. And he’d be confused, saying, “But I’m always home when I’m not at work.” What I meant — and didn’t know how to say at the time — was, I wanted to fill that space. Not just be in the same room. I was looking for connection.
Keeping scores doesn’t help ⚽️
Here’s the thing: I was keeping score. And chances are, so was he.
Keeping score looks like this:
- “I was up all night — that’s a +5 for me.”
- “I changed every diaper today — another point for me.”
- “You got to go to work, talk to adults, eat lunch in peace — minus 10 for you.”
It’s a dangerous cycle. One that builds walls between you. The more you keep track, the more the space grows. And trust me, it leads nowhere good. I was keeping scores while trying to also look for more intimacy and connection —- two things that don’t go together.
The change that improved everything 🌤️
It took me a long time to realise what was happening. Actually, it hit me at the start of this year while I was trying to figure out what patterns I needed to break and how I want to improve in the new year. Yes – the New Year, New Me BS 🙄. But, I realised with the help and hints from my husband that I was not supporting and loving him like he needed and deserved to be loved. And I just decided — enough. I wanted to change something.
So I wrote my husband a letter.
I told him that I no longer wanted to keep scores. That all I wanted was for him to feel supported and loved in everything he does and I want to be his main pillar of support. And I meant every word I wrote!
I couldn’t say it out loud at the time — coming from a culture where positive feelings are hardly communicated made it hard for me — so I wrote it down and handed it to him. And you know what? He came to me after reading it, gave me the most intimate and vulnerable hug, and told me how grateful he was.
That one letter changed everything.
We’re a Stronger Team Now 💪
It’s been about six months since that moment, and our household feels different. We work together better. We communicate more gently and we’re really there for one another as the other person needs us to be. Not to keep scores, but to love the other right! And you might think: “Well yeah, isn’t that what you’re supposed to do anyway?”
Yes, it is. But sometimes, in the chaos of parenting, we forget the basics. We get caught in a loop of exhaustion, routine, and quiet resentment.
But when we remind ourselves that we’re a team, things change. Everything shifts and our habits start to change.
Try this instead of keeping scores 💭
Next time you do something for your partner, instead of doing it from a place of “I always do everything,” try doing it with love.
For example:
“I’m going to make him a nice dinner tonight — not because I want something in return, but because I love him, and I know it’ll make him happy.”
And then, just watch what happens. When your energy shifts, their energy shifts too. And if you’re thinking, “But he never notices!” — just try it. Try it with the intention of creating joy. That intention changes the entire dynamic.
You signed up as a team – so act like one 🤝
You chose this parenting journey together (or maybe it was a little surprise). Either way, the truth remains: you are a team.
Yes, your roles might look different right now. And yes, one of you might be struggling more. But you’re in this together. And it’s so much easier — and lighter — when you’re playing with each other instead of against each other.
Remember:
Your goals is not keeping score.
You’re goal is keeping love alive. 🥰